Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse: Three tips to overcome shame, blame and guilt
With my grandma’s death end of January, these past three months have been a period of tremendous release and new beginnings for me. April also happens to be both Sexual Assault Awareness & National Child Abuse Prevention Month. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor.
And now, I am on a mission to help sexually abused children and women claim their power, use their voice, live with joy, and create a kinder world. Through my business (Knekxt Group, LLC), my purpose is to transform people’s relationship with self so that we can impact 100 million people in the next 10 years and systemically break the cycle of inter-generational trauma for humanity to heal and thrive. 10% of the profits will be invested in organizations or causes that help prevent sexual abuse or help survivors.
If you have experienced sexual abuse as a child and are feeling disconnected even as an adult, please know that you are not alone!
In the U.S., every nine minutes (and in India, every 15 minutes) a child is sexually assaulted. I believe the difference in numbers in India is due to underreporting. I have occupied spaces where more than 80% of children I knew were sexually abused. In U.S., 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys experience sexual abuse before they turn 18 years old. As an adult, I have been in rooms where more than 50% of people experienced sexual abuse as a child. Even by conservative estimates, 1 in 5 adults globally are childhood sexual abuse survivors as often such incidents are not reported, and they occur at all socio-economic levels and across cultural or ethnic lines. If we do nothing, I believe, we will have close to 2 billion people living with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse in a decade from now. 95% of abuse is preventable through education and awareness.
Over 90% of the cases, the child KNOWS the perpetrator as they are in a position of trust or responsible for child’s care (such as a parent or a stepparent), a family member, relative, teacher (school or private tutor), coach, priest or a clergy member, another child’s parent, or even other children such as older siblings or cousins. I imagine that this pandemic and conflicts in different parts of the world have only worsened these realities for children (boys and girls) who may be stuck with perpetrators they know or even fallen prey to organized crimes or human trafficking.
If you have experienced childhood trauma, you may be carrying the shame, blame and guilt. You may be hyper-vigilant or have low self-esteem. You may worry that only if anyone else finds out, you will be rejected — by a partner, family members or loved ones. You may fear the loss of reputation, job, or income. You may be suffering in silence even as powerful adults or are compartmentalizing your life and feeling lonely or lacking trust and intimacy in your relationships, despite your material successes. To all of you, please know that it is not your fault. You are not broken. Stop trying to fix yourself or hide your pain or fears. Know that you are loved, worthy, and whole!
What happens in our private lives impacts how we show up — as a leader, colleague, partner, or a friend. We are one being and compartmentalizing our lives doesn’t work in the long run. Our professional spaces do need to evolve, and I imagine a world where more people have the privilege to be vulnerable, share their experiences openly, receive the love and grace from others and feel like this universe has their back.
Reflections from my life:
I experienced sexual abuse from different people I knew from early childhood until early adulthood. I carried the shame, blame and guilt of my trauma way longer than I needed to until my 40’s. After processing my trauma for a while with the help of therapists, coaches, and spiritual teachers, its only recently that I shared my experiences with my family — parents, siblings, and loved ones. I don’t know that I will ever be done processing or healing from life’s ups and downs. But my lived experiences may help others who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, who may feel disconnected, lonely, not worthy or that they do not belong, or lack intimacy and trust in their relationships.
In my teenage years, I recall having suicidal thoughts or wishing I was dead. It feels weird to even admit that as I am a very optimistic person. If you’ve known me over the years, chances are you remember my pleasing personality and smiling face most of the time. I didn’t quite know that I was carrying childhood trauma until I was on my path to motherhood in my mid 30s. I felt I was safe in my home with a very supportive husband and son. And my sexual abuse was a thing of my past, and it had no place in my present. Yet, caring for my son triggered me in ways that I had never imagined. Every time I looked at my son, I agonized over my past and wondered how anyone could sexually abuse a child. All my repressed memories came flooding back. I was mad, sad, and angry at my family for missing the signs of my trauma as a child. I fell apart many times before I could start to heal. For the first time in my life, I became open to the possibility that my sexual abuse wasn’t my fault; because if something happened to my child, it wouldn’t be his fault. Forgiving myself was the hardest part. I was also rising the corporate ladder with people management responsibilities in my 30s. Everyday micro-aggressions, sexist and racist comments and power politics had an adverse impact on me. I felt I didn’t belong. I neither had the vocabulary, resources, and support, nor the desire to tolerate those issues anymore. I often felt frustrated and depressed. I clearly remember the moment when after a particularly rough day I wondered for the first time: Why do I not receive the same grace or benefit of doubt that I allow others or others were privy to?
I ran out of ideas on how to fix myself and contemplated going to a therapist. It was then that I invested in an executive coach, and I uncovered that I needed to deal with my childhood trauma and take care of my mental health. Since then, it has taken me several years to process my trauma by investing in therapy, reading anything I could get my hands on related to childhood trauma, connecting with other survivors, being of service to other abused children, creating my own support network, sharing my experiences with loved ones, having conversations with my abusers in some cases, and reach a space of forgiveness & compassion to engage in this dialogue publicly. I still have my ups and down, and my own share of anxieties. And I’m more conscious when my hyper-vigilance and control shows up in various situations. The old version of me is dead now.
I speak and write today to validate the experiences of my own inner child who finally feels seen, heard, validated, loved, and whole (below an excerpt from my journal over a year ago):
“What regrets do I fear I would have if I died next minute?
It would be the fear that I did not tell my story…I want people to see me, and I want every child, every girl to identify with me and never believe, when others say they can’t be what they aspire to be. I want to protect the ingenuity and uniqueness in each child, as what is so special if what makes us unique is not protected, watered, sheltered, and nurtured.”.
What I carry forward in my life is the following:
I have a choice in what meaning I assign to life’s events, and these stories will evolve as I evolve and my identities shift. My traumatic experiences have also made me who I am. Courageous. Resilient. Adaptive. Generous. Perceptive. Intuitive. Compassionate. Powerful. A trusted partner. A deeply loving mom. A protective sister. A loving daughter. An Unapologetic Bold Woman. And a living breathing human being who has an unending zest for life!
As I started sharing about my trauma with my family in the last few months, I learnt that 50% of people in my immediate family have also experienced childhood sexual abuse including my mom (I have her permission to share this). For the first time, my mom shared her stories with my dad (her husband of over 40 years!), and felt a relief in her 60’s. She was abused by a music teacher in her childhood. She has always loved music and she recently resumed her music lessons, and I couldn’t be happier for my mom. In the last few days, she has started spreading my video (the one I shared in my LinkedIn post) to relatives and other people in our communities. And guess what, that act alone is worth the risks I’ve taken, and I won’t have any regrets as I know I have broken the cycle of sexual abuse and inter-generational trauma in my own family.
Three resources to get unstuck from the shame, blame and guilt for adult survivors who experienced sexual abuse as a child
· Forgiveness: Write a letter to your abuser. Post-it notes or letter pads whatever you feel called for. You don’t have to mail or send it but venting all your emotions and pouring your feelings can provide tremendous immediate release. If you stay stuck in the cycle of blame, you will unconsciously recreate the feeling of not being seen or heard or being powerless. Remember they have no power over the powerful person you already are/or becoming in your adulthood. Also forgive yourself and give yourself the same grace you would offer your loved ones.
· Therapy: Highly recommend that you see a therapist to process your feelings. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse are many times more likely to suffer from mental health issues. Ask your primary care provider or someone you trust for a referral, or you can also use https://www.psychology.com/therapist to find a therapist. In my experience, most providers do not accept insurance. You will likely use your savings in HSA or your personal savings for therapy. Beyond that, there are companies such as BetterHelp who can also match you with a therapist.
· Service: Find a charity or org where you can invest, ideally your time and energy (or money) to serve other children who experienced trauma or related causes. Share your stories as you have more power than you may realize. Service in my experiences is the ultimate way to heal, and claim your power and soul.
Remember, you have a choice — if and when you share your experiences with anyone else. A therapist told me that I didn’t need to share about my trauma with anyone if I didn’t want to or didn’t feel ready. A dear friend also eventually reminded me that I was simply protecting myself by keeping the secrets from my loved ones and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that. This eased the pressure I was putting on myself and helped me focus my energy instead on why I wanted to share with anyone, or what within me still needed to heal or needed to be expressed.
I hope my stories inspire many more of you to come forth and share your experiences so that we can save lives, perhaps of — a wife, a husband, a daughter, a son, a sibling a friend, a brother, or a grandchild. I would love to hear if this article helped you in anyway. Thank you in advance for taking a moment to share, like or comment on this newsletter to help someone you may know, and to create awareness in this mission to reach 100 million lives in the next 10 years,
Please DM me if you are interested in joining my upcoming mastermind for executives who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (limited to 30 bold leaders and pioneers in financial services, tech or product space/starts Oct 2022).
I end by sharing the poem my husband wrote last year (yes, I’m blessed) and published on LinkedIn dedicating to:
“DARK TRESS
Your dark soft tress,
I love to caress,
Higher in the wind it flows,
The brighter your face glows.
You stare at my eyes.
There are no sighs!
Your love is what I seek.
There are no words to speak.
The silence is loud.
Your tresses on my face cloud.
There is a sudden gust.
Into your gaze I am again thrust.
Your eyes now,
Are brimming with tears,
The look of your face,
Conveys the fears.
You hold me close,
But, it is hard to disclose.
I must stand upright,
To hold you tight.
Through the pupils,
Of our eyes we bind,
I see the dungeon ,
In your mind.
It is dark and scary,
But I must be wary.
I must not be frail,
To hold your hand through the trail.
The scars of your past,
I can now feel.
I hope our love,
Will make us heal.
(Credit: my husband Arnab K Gupta)
Additional Resources for survivors:
Ted talk:
How Childhood Trauma affects health across a lifetime by Dr Nadine Burke Harris: https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime?language=en
Podcast:
Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse — With Kathy Andersen
Books:
1. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World, By Desmond Tutu
2. The Drama of a Gifted Child, by Alice Miller
3. The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity, By Dr Nadine Burke Harris
4. “Chup” (means silence or be quiet): Breaking the Silence about India’s Women by Deepa Narayan-Parker (very insightful and goes into the depth of conditioning and systemic issues for Indian middle-class context in the last decade)
5. The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk
6. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, by Peter Levine
References:
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network):
https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-child-sexual-abuse; https://www.rainn.org/articles/child-sexual-abuse
- Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html
Arizona’s Children Coalition: https://www.az4kids.org/home/aces
- Children’s Advocacy Center (CAC); “What to do if a child discloses to you”
